Spine problems

The MRI scan has confirmed the spread of tumours in 3 vertebrae. The whole area is fragile, with risk of paralysis of the lower body. Surgery to support the spine is arduous and of limited value given the context. Back to radiotherapy, chemo and a few prayers that my back holds out a bit longer. In Melanie Reid’s Spinal Column in the Sunday Times, she discusses how the thing she would like to change most is not to be incontinent. And here I am, with the Sword of Damocles hanging over me, wondering if and when it will happen. Pain will also become more and more of an issue, and I expect to be moving up from my current combination of painkillers. Whilst trying to be practical, it is hard to contemplate. The level of intervention will keep increasing. My dependency on others will keep increasing. And who will I be at the end? My body will be spent, and my mind suspended above it by painkillers. How limited will my understanding of the world become? Will the times of clarity become shorter and shorter, or will everything be a vague fuzz?
I bought some cuddly toys yesterday. I tried to explain what was happening and the others had to cuddle the toys as I am too tender to touch. Everyone is holding their thoughts in, all wondering what the next weeks and months will involve.

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